Hey it’s 2021 and we’ve got some amazing additions to the shop and our website. We’re always pushing the envelope at crittercontrolcincinnati and these are the amazing amenities we’re going to offer this year and beyond. We’ve taken into account all of the suggestions from our overflowing suggestion box. Many of your ideas were bad, others were worse, but the best ideas we’ve taken and will be instituting right away!
- Is there anything worse than waiting for your friend only to find out they’re on the practice basket waiting for you? Well we’ve “borrowed” those vibrating squares from The 99 Restaurant so you and your buddies know exactly when you’re both ready to play.
- Due to a miscommunication on our tax form we’re now Sabattus Disco. There’s too many disc golf courses around so we’re diversifying. We’re removing the center rack of discs and opening up a dance floor. We’ll be selling chest hair wigs for those who can’t grow their own, look under the apparel section of our website.
- Rent-a-Pro. We’ll have a few pros stashed under the front desk in case you’re playing doubles and you want a better partner. Shorter pros like Emerson Keith and Paige Shue are best because we can fit more of them in a rack than say a Big Jerm.
- We've saved up and purchased a time machine. Get ready for the tournament of the century because we’re getting every world champion since 1983 for a tournament. They have to get back to their own time quickly, so we’ll be having them play a round on our 9 hole beginner course to see who the GOAT is once and for all.
- We’ve cancelled the column “Dear Andrew” because we post people’s disc golf problems in our newsletter, and I answer with “go practice putting” to all of them. It wasn’t popular for some reason.
- The Pro Shop is now so big we’ve added those “You are here” signs that malls have. If we get escalators installed I’ll probably stop leaving when my shift ends and just stay here forever. That’s not a joke, I enjoy riding escalators.
- We’ve partnered with Innova to shoot a reality television show. “The Puttlorette.” We’re taking 16 unsponsored players and giving them a shot at getting Innova sponsorship. They’ll be a part of rose stamped disc ceremonies, group dates, and basically the bachelorette but with disc golf, and hopefully less kissing.
- Disc golf is growing, but not every demographic is flourishing. To expand our “over 65 recluse billionaire” demographic we’ve introduced the “build a basket inside of a glass bottle kit.” It has everything you need to get started and only costs $28,000. This will likely be a top selling item so get them while you can.
- At Hole 10’s teepad on the Hawk will be a Dunkin Donuts (please don’t drive through). Half of you have already left your iced coffee in the pro shop anyway so you’ll need a new one. We’ll be selling those left behind coffees at a discount.
Thank you for all your suggestions from the last year. I think we can continue to improve and make disc golf as much fun as possible for everyone.
And if you believe any of these changes, check the date. Happy April Fools day 2021!